Recently in Humor Category

I normally don't like emails that are circulated, but this one, from my FC was cute.

• We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
• I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
• The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
• If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
• I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
• A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
• Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
• I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
• Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
• You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive again.
• Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
• I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
• There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
• When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
• To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

 

About a month ago they measured. This week they installed.

The shutters completely change the feeling of the living room.  Tim likes.

Here you have about 4 hours of worked distilled into 1 minute and 20 seconds. Enjoy.

When the lights dimmed, she looked at me from across the room.  When I approached her, a single spotlight from heaven filled our hearts.  We were in love.  The Oar House, Pensacola, FL.

Related articles:

• P'cola or Bust (timtyson.us)

I've already ordered one in each color!

Click photo to go to photo source.

In light of the fact that AT&T is ending their unlimited data plans for iPhone users, capping them for fees to punish the data hogs, I find this tweet by Josh Helfferich excellent.

"Let's just get AT&T to fix the oil spill, they've been capping everything else lately." -- Josh Helfferich via Twitter"

[Source: "Let's just get AT&T to fix the oil spill, they've been capping everything else lately." -- Josh Helfferich via T....]

I saw these glasses for sale online a few weeks back and couldn't resist them.  This morning, when the sunlight struck my glass of glowing Diet Orange Crush, the breakfast of champions, I grabbed my iPhone and shot this picture just before the sunlight went to visit someplace else.

Picture from the online store:

I found this over at The Laughing Squid. The title read: Cat Scan or Copy Cat?

The Unhappy Hipsters just slay me!

Related articles

• Unhappy Hipsters (socialhallucinations.com)
• Interview with the Unhappy Hipster (trueslant.com)
• Unhappy Hipsters' parody Web site is a hit (seattletimes.nwsource.com)

• Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?
• Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
• Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
• Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
• Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
• Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
• You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
• Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
• If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
• If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I was having a perfectly good morning being all productive and everything. Then I headed on over to my RSS feed reader to catch up on "stuff." I hadn't cruised the feeds for a couple of days, so things were out of control—thousands of feed posts were lurking there demanding to be read.

I started with my personal reads and came across a video link from Ellison's blog to a short Valentine's film by some guy named zefrank. It was crazy funny! I laughed out loud. Who ever this Ze guy is, his sense of humor really resonates with me.

I wish he hosted his short videos on a traditional site that allowed you to embed them. I'd share some with you from time to time because, well... now I've subscribed to yet another feed! But, since he doesn't, check them out at the links.

I also liked several others, like this one. Now an hour of laughter has passed, and I'm blaming Elisson!

I usually hate chain emails that are supposed to be funny but aren't. But every once in a while one comes along that is hysterical. Here is one:

You know the economy is bad when:

• I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
• If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
• Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
• Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
• A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
• Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
• The Mafia is laying off judges. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
• I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Two hysterical important press releases from the Borowitz Report:

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) - One day after announcing that she would be a commentator on the Fox News Channel, the network revealed that former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin's appearances would be simulcast in English.

"We are delighted that Gov. Palin will, for the first time, be understandable to the English-speaking audience," said Fox News chief Roger Ailes. "This should create a whole new fan base for her."

Gov. Palin praised the decision, adding, "I know many Americans will be interested in understanding what I have to say and I will also too."

In a related story, Fox said it had "no interest" in hiring funnyman Conan O'Brien, explaining, "Sarah Palin takes care of our comedy needs.""

And also:

THE BOROWITZ REPORT - Just hours after saying that God was punishing Haiti for making a "pact with the Devil," televangelist Pat Robertson retracted the statement, telling TV viewers, "Haiti? I thought they said 'Hades.'"

Rev. Robertson said that he had heard the report of the earthquake on the radio and had misinterpreted its location: "For the life of me, I thought God was punishing Hades, which does in fact have a pact with the Devil."

Apologizing for his "goof," the televangelist told his TV audience, "Golly - people must've thought I was being an insensitive asshole.""

[Source: Fox: Palin's Appearances to be Simulcast in English - Borowitz Report.]

You know we live in a different era when people don't know the names of their neighbors but get interesting messages from them through the names of their WiFi networks.

Several of these I hadn't heard of before reading this post: shovel-ready? bromance? chillaxin? (I watch too little TV to be literate I guess.) But I must confess, I too frequently grow weary of buzz. Who, after all, are the buzz makers?

At first, the word or phrase is an interesting twist of language that expresses a sentiment meaningful in the moment. But, like most pop songs, it's only interesting the first 50,000 times you hear it and quickly descends into a noisy backdrop you simply try to ignore.

With the mass consumption of mass culture through mass communication, the life cycle of chichi, buzz, au courant, trendy, and chic is as short as that of a mosquito and equally as annoying while flitting about hunting for a victim. The article includes a few quotations for each word from people who nominated the word for inclusion on the list. Some are witty.

• Shovel-Ready
• Transparent/Transparency
• Czar
• Tweet
• App
• Sexting
• Friend As A Verb
• Teachable Moment
• In These Economic Times….
• Stimulus
• Toxic Assets
• Too Big To Fail
• Bromance
• Chillaxin'
• Obama-prefix or roots?

[List source: Lake Superior State University :: Banished Words List :: Banished Words List.]

I've decided to finally break my silence on one of the burning issues of our day: Tiger Woods! (so NOT!!)

Seems AT&T dropped Tiger.

Big deal.

AT&T drops my calls all the time!

I received these in an email and had to share them...

I received these in an email and had to share them...

Funny guy. How dare he slap people in the face with their own hypocrisy. He supposedly was going to interview people in front of WalMart about defending traditional marriage and then, when they blubbered on about their support, ask them to sign his petition banning divorce. He says he's confident they will support his bill because it's not about taking their rights away. It's about defending traditional marriage. Hysterical. I wonder how things are going.

Rob Cockerham interviewed John Marcotte, a Sacramento man who filed a petition with the California Secretary of State to get a voter's initiative onto the 2010 ballot in California that would make it ban divorce"

(Via Interview with John Marcotte, author of bill to ban divorce - Boing Boing.)

We all know shoplifting is illegal. But what about shopdropping?

In shoplifting, the thief takes something from the marketplace without paying for it. In shopdropping, the person, in this case an artist, places items in the store inventory for people to purchase and makes no money from the sale.

On Black Friday, an artist, Michele Pred, did this very thing at IKEA. She took 10 of her paintings into the store with IKEA with "IKEA price tags" and placed them on the sales rack. They all sold that weekend.

The painting itself is a barcode that reads, "You are what you buy."

Funny!

Oddly enough, this info graphic came through on my professional Twitter feed today. And yes, I really laughed out loud at the simply stated fact of the matter.

Don't you just hate it when this happens?!

You can not imagine my delight:  the new Crème de La Crêpe restaurant has now opened in Manhattan Beach. Their food is authentic French cuisine and utterly divine.

Toward the end of a perfect meal: a crepe with white wine sauce (an elixir from the gods) and a Nutella, banana, strawberries, creme crepe dessert, the person sitting across the table from me made the most jarring, unexpected, loud sound combination of a mouth-wide-open burp and a hiccup.

The entire restaurant paused for a moment of stunned, jaw-dropped bewilderment at what had just been unleashed on humanity. Personally, I lay prostrate on the floor, arm extended straight up with a single condemnatory finger pointing across the table.

Now I can not be seen in town for weeks!

I loved this card! The message reads: Happy Halloween, old fart!

With the economic downturn and all, this was cute. I had no idea sandwiches were that inexpensive!

The Sandwich Calculator

The puppeteers of the wacko, extremist conservatives that get trotted out in the media every time they want to brainwash Americans don't really fear Obama.

They fear education. They fear enlightenment. They fear a citizenry that is more difficult to manipulate for profiteering because, well... they think critically.

Yes, their favorite word is "fear!" It's what they do best.

Image Source: The Times Tribune

This is like watching a horror film.